just a year

"I didn't know you were married! How long ago was the divorce" said the woman seated next to me at the bar. We are acquaintances, so it didn't surprise me to hear her say that she hadn't known as much about me. It did surprise me that I had to reach for the answer.

"It'll be a year.....next week", I said.

It occurred to me just then that I was approaching the one year anniversary of the date my divorce was made final. I also realized that without even considering it, I'd agree to take a business trip, one that coincides with another friends trip, to the same city on the other side of the country that my ex-wife now lives in. I'll be there on the anniversary of our divorce.

Sara found me online the other day, knowing that I'd be coming there and said "so will you be too busy, or will I get to see you while you are here?". I told her it would be a shame to travel all that way and not at least meet for coffee, say hello. It's always been in my nature to try and keep at least some semblance of peace between myself and those I've loved and lost. I wonder if it's the right time for both of us though. I hope she's well and worry that I might be a disruption, a distraction, in her coming to terms with it all. I don't want that for either of us.

I sat listening to music today, getting over a bad case of food poisoning, watching the afternoon rain slide down the windows, waiting for the skies to clear so I could shop for the things I'd need for this trip. I thought about why I'd come back to New Orleans and realized that I'd done just what I wanted to while I was here, but that I was ready to move on. I don't know precisely where, but I know it's time.

I've had my head turned recently in a way that I haven't before (and I don't mind admitting that despite the impossibility of it going anywhere, I didn't mind having it turned). She cooked for me, sang for me and it felt like she really saw me and not just the possibility of what I could do for her, who i could be for her.

The woman responsible for turning my head as I mentioned above is on another continent now and I'm not sure when (or if) I'll see her again. She's been my muse though; inspiring me to believe that I can in fact, find someone that will make we want again. It's been a while since I've really wanted and even in the absence of that which I want but don't have, I'm happy, grateful to have wanted again.