This year

This year has been eventful, to say the least. I've been all over the place geographically and otherwise. I've come out at the end of it better than I started it in some ways, worse for wear in other ways, but more optimistic about what'll happen next year than I was last.

This year I: Lived in five different apartments in two different states. Divorced my wife of nearly seven years. Drove across the country (by myself). Started writing again. Started taking photographs for the fun of it again (and grew as a photographer because of it). Changed my priorities drastically, for the better. Fell into love. Fell out of love. Proved that my instincts were generally right about all of those things. Lost inspiration. Found new inspiration. Lost almost twenty-five pounds. Started allowing time for myself. Made many amazing new friends. Changed my mind about some things, finally made up my mind about others. I lived, loved, laughed, learned, drank, abstained, fucked, fucked up, apologized, questioned, confirmed, tried, failed, succeeded, ranted, raved, found peace.

I came the closest I've ever come to breaking this year, but I didn't. I experienced the greatest amount of heartbreak in my life, but it didn't ruin me. I proved to myself that even at my lowest, even at my worst moments I never abandon hope, never stop looking for a way to solve things. At the same time, I learned that letting people go isn't exactly the same as giving up, that what you want and what is best can be vastly different and sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to stop doing anything for them at all.

This year, I grew as a person, set new goals for myself both personally and professionally and learned to live in the past, present and future all in one moment...as often as I can.

what I've learned

It's been a long week. A very long week. It's come at the end of three consecutive weeks, all very similar in their hectic nature, but different in what they accomplished and what I learned from them

I had a staph infection in my leg (a spider bite that got irritated from all the standing/marching/walking/rubbing of tight fabric against it), which caused it to throb regularly during the most crucial moments, of course. It's almost completely gone now, but I can see the toxicity in my face in the photos from Carnal Carnivale, and I remember thinking very feverishly that i was determined to not let it get me down, but promising to pace myself, go home early when i could, rest (i didn't).

I've had a chance to get reacquainted with some old friends this week; ones that I'd lost track of and missed dearly over the last few years, who've come back into my life in a very short span of time. In the matter of a few days I picked up nearly where I left off with friends that I'd thought were lost to me due to changes in lifestyle, geography and circumstance. I'm happy to have found them again (to have found you all again). I realized that some people were keeping better tabs on me than I might of imagined and it made me feel cared for, loved, in a way that only old friends can make you feel.

I've also found that some impossible situations aren't as impossible as they might seem, some things that seemed probable have proven unlikely and that missing someone isn't the same as wanting them back in your life. I've seen doors close, others open and found that some things that I thought I wanted, I really don't, while other things that I never considered have presented themselves to me and made me appreciate fresh perspective. It's been a week/month/year for learning what I want, what I accept and what I won't.