what I've learned

It's been a long week. A very long week. It's come at the end of three consecutive weeks, all very similar in their hectic nature, but different in what they accomplished and what I learned from them

I had a staph infection in my leg (a spider bite that got irritated from all the standing/marching/walking/rubbing of tight fabric against it), which caused it to throb regularly during the most crucial moments, of course. It's almost completely gone now, but I can see the toxicity in my face in the photos from Carnal Carnivale, and I remember thinking very feverishly that i was determined to not let it get me down, but promising to pace myself, go home early when i could, rest (i didn't).

I've had a chance to get reacquainted with some old friends this week; ones that I'd lost track of and missed dearly over the last few years, who've come back into my life in a very short span of time. In the matter of a few days I picked up nearly where I left off with friends that I'd thought were lost to me due to changes in lifestyle, geography and circumstance. I'm happy to have found them again (to have found you all again). I realized that some people were keeping better tabs on me than I might of imagined and it made me feel cared for, loved, in a way that only old friends can make you feel.

I've also found that some impossible situations aren't as impossible as they might seem, some things that seemed probable have proven unlikely and that missing someone isn't the same as wanting them back in your life. I've seen doors close, others open and found that some things that I thought I wanted, I really don't, while other things that I never considered have presented themselves to me and made me appreciate fresh perspective. It's been a week/month/year for learning what I want, what I accept and what I won't.

This is not Halloween

Yesterday would have been our seventh anniversary, but instead is the first after the divorce. When we got married we had a costume ball wedding here in New Orleans on Halloween and it was really all that you could have hoped for. This year, I haven't really put together a costume. I have an outfit I wore for fetish night and a variation I wear for Noisician Coalition, but I didn't have a Halloween costume, makeup, anything to mark the occasion. They were face painting people as zombies at Voodoo fest to try and break a record, but I didn't sign up, because I just wasn't feeling it.

I was appreciative of other peoples costumes and efforts, but i didn't feel like I was really a part of that. I felt detached from Halloween, like a spectator that had stumbled upon it rather than really belonging to it.

Later in the evening I spent some time with a friend and felt a moment of connectedness, but later had to confess to myself that it may have just been me feeling the need for it, rather than it being true. I left the festival, went home and cleaned up and headed out for the night. I texted my friend asking if they would like to meet me, but she had other plans and they included people that might be awkward for her to be around both of us at the same time. I told her not to worry, that I'd find another way to occupy myself and she thanked me for being a good friend.

I ran into Ella waiting for a drink at the bar that I'd been feeling I needed to make it a point to go to, to support, because they are some of my favorite people. She was dressed in the same costume S wore the last year we celebrated together and it made me a little sad to see, but I made sure not to let that show. We had a drink with Jessica before she said goodbye (she's headed home today) and then wandered up and down Decatur stopping so she could take pictures of costumes and admire them. We met up with her friends, lost them, met them again and then they were gone. I'd like to think that we were good company for one another, both of us appreciating the holiday, but not really having anyone to share that appreciation with, so to speak. I know that I was was happy for the company. Eventually I walked her back to Flanagans where I left her to wait for friends and I went home.

The weather was nice; I was thankful for the long red coat because it was just chilly enough to need it. I looked down at my mud covered boots, the product of a day of marching in wet grass and wasn't worried about getting them cleaned knowing there was another day of mud stomping ahead. I thought of the friend that I'd spent the day with and as I looked up from my muddy boots, I saw her ahead of me. We passed one another without saying a word, because she was with the awkward situation we'd been hoping to avoid when I decided not to go to the show she'd been at and they were holding hands.

I got home and laid in bed, thinking about Halloween, how it used to mean so much to me. I thought about the day I got married and how Halloween was such the perfect choice for it. I thought of all the happy Halloweens that I'd found a costume, even if it was last minute and marked that this was the first time in my life I didn't dress up and really celebrate. I missed the past, thinking my former self incapable of having not celebrated Halloween properly and how I wouldn't have stood for it. I thought somethings changed and I hope that it wont stay this way forever.

I closed my eyes and decided that next year I'm taking back Halloween. This year I let it happen to me, but next year I'm taking it back, it'll be mine again.