This year

This year has been eventful, to say the least. I've been all over the place geographically and otherwise. I've come out at the end of it better than I started it in some ways, worse for wear in other ways, but more optimistic about what'll happen next year than I was last.

This year I: Lived in five different apartments in two different states. Divorced my wife of nearly seven years. Drove across the country (by myself). Started writing again. Started taking photographs for the fun of it again (and grew as a photographer because of it). Changed my priorities drastically, for the better. Fell into love. Fell out of love. Proved that my instincts were generally right about all of those things. Lost inspiration. Found new inspiration. Lost almost twenty-five pounds. Started allowing time for myself. Made many amazing new friends. Changed my mind about some things, finally made up my mind about others. I lived, loved, laughed, learned, drank, abstained, fucked, fucked up, apologized, questioned, confirmed, tried, failed, succeeded, ranted, raved, found peace.

I came the closest I've ever come to breaking this year, but I didn't. I experienced the greatest amount of heartbreak in my life, but it didn't ruin me. I proved to myself that even at my lowest, even at my worst moments I never abandon hope, never stop looking for a way to solve things. At the same time, I learned that letting people go isn't exactly the same as giving up, that what you want and what is best can be vastly different and sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to stop doing anything for them at all.

This year, I grew as a person, set new goals for myself both personally and professionally and learned to live in the past, present and future all in one moment...as often as I can.

Christmas Future

The ghost of Christmas Future is the most frightening in the Dickens tale and it's not hard to understand why. You can't change the past; you can regret it, learn from it, make changes because of it, but you can't change what's already happened. People don't fear the present, because it's easy to forgive yourself during the moment or feel that you have time to change. The future we fear is the one where we've failed to avoid repeating the past and correct the present and have at the end of our lives been made to suffer the consequences of our own actions.

I went out with friends last night and we talked about the future. I made mention of the move, of trying to split my time between here and there and these friends started suggesting ways to make it possible to stay. This is the way that the conversation has gone with most of the people that I've brought it up to. They told me that I belong here, that they want me here, but they are understanding of my situation, my circumstances and have told me that they want what's best for me.

We drank and laughed, we had fun at our own expense and each others in the way that only people that love each other can get away with. When everyone else left Molly's and headed toward the Marigny, I called it a night. I live in the opposite direction and decided it was best to head home. The last of my friends to say goodnight leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. "I love you, you know", she said before heading off. I waved to the rest of them, said goodbye one more time and walked into the night, feeling very fortunate that I have the sort of friends that take the time to let you know. I love the people in my life fiercely.

This Christmas has been hard on me, just like the first of every occasion usually is for anyone after the end of a long relationship. More than once I've felt that I wanted to forget about it, but every time I start to feel that way I've had someone here say just the right thing to bring me out of my funk, make me love this place, my life, the people in it.

I am keenly aware of my Christmas past, I see clearly my Christmas present and I know that my Christmas future is up to me.

Spirit of Christmas Present

I looked down at the Las Vegas strip, my head pressed against the window and I thought "I wonder where I'll be for Christmas next year"....

A year later and I'm not where I thought I'd be. I'm not living overseas, but back in New Orleans instead. I'm not celebrating a ninth Christmas with Sara, but instead celebrating the first without her.

This year has seen a lot of introspection from me. At this time last year, I felt a little lost, or like I'd settled for a life that wasn't my own. This year I'm living one of my own making and while it may not be the one that I planned, it's mine.

It's Christmas time, so of course I miss the good moments and have conveniently overlooked the bad ones. I warm myself with thoughts of the good times, like we all do during sentimental days.

I started dating this year, found myself seeing new people for the first time in the better part of a decade. Nothings really worked out, but that's probably because of my own obstacles as much as anyone else's. I'd had this notion in my head that I'd be spending Christmas with someone new, someone that would fill me with hope. Not deliver happiness to me in shiny wrapping under the tree, but give me the hope that it was possible, probable. It isn't up to anyone else to give me that though, I know that I have to find it on my own.

What I have gotten this year is a group of amazing, supportive, lovely friends that have become part of my family. They've take me to do things, invited me out when they thought I needed company, allowed me to be overindulgent when they knew that I sort of needed it. They've held my hand, they've put their arm around my shoulder, they've cheered me up and cheered me on. I love these people, deeply, for their part in my Christmas Present.

Ghost of Christmas Past

I woke up this morning feeling like I was missing something, but I wasn't really sure what. I laid in bed for a little while and then went and opened the french doors. It's cold outside, too cold to do this, but I crawled back into the warm bed and l pulled the blankets over me, letting the down comforter swallow me.

This time last year I was living in Las Vegas, still married but sensing that the end was near. I'd gone out shopping, bought her things that were beyond our means, just to justify the money we'd made, the way we'd made it. I looked down at the Las Vegas strip, my head pressed against the window and I thought "I wonder where I'll be for Christmas next year". I remember it vividly; the sun just starting to set, I could see my reflection in the floor to ceiling glass in front of me and I looked tired, sad and it caught me off guard to see myself this way, the face that looked back and me was not my own. This was not my life. The beautiful woman wandering around in the next room, she wasn't my wife. These things we'd collected, they didn't belong to me.

The packages I'd wrapped were all stacked beneath the Christmas tree that I'd had shipped from near where we'd grown up in Michigan (real trees are hard to come by in the desert). She'd decorated it without me, but maybe I told her too because I knew she would've anyhow. She put forth more of an effort than she had in Christmases past, but it was too little, too late and we weren't coming together for Christmas, but instead proving just how far apart we'd moved from one another.

When the friends she had invited over for dinner cancelled because they were having problems of their own, I was relieved. I was tired of holiday's being about entertaining at our place. I wanted it to be the two of us, but having it that way only because the guests said no made me feel like it was a cheap consolation prize.

We opened gifts and then went out to see the lights, fountains, flowers, and holiday decorations at the Bellagio. It wasn't a bad day, but it felt like the last holiday to be shared between two people that knew it was over. I felt as though I was in the movie Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, that she was my Clementine and we'd given up on running, that Christmas had been the last place I'd tried to hide her before realizing that it would all be over soon and I should just try and enjoy it.

So I did. We went home and I held her hand while we laid on the couch with the dog nuzzled between us and we watched terrible Christmas movies together. That's all I ever really wanted for Christmas anyhow.

(My own) simple rules for living in the moment

I do my best to live in the past, present and future all at once. I live the failure and successes of what I've done, I live the hope I have for the future. I live those things in the moment, (hopefully) without letting them cloud it. I'm realizing it's rare, what I (attempt to) do.

Lately I've seen people live in any moment but the one they are in, letting the past bring them out of it, letting the future paralyze them. I've seen them hover in some other time, some other place and miss the things that are right in the front of them. I feel sorry for them.

I've also seen people who only live in the moment. People who pretend that anything other than where they are just then doesn't exist, forgetting about responsibility, consequences, sometimes even loyalty, so that they can indulge in the moment. I feel sorry for them too.

I am the sum of my past and my present. I am the hope for my future. I never forget these things and I consider seriously what impact I'll have in other peoples lives with my actions. I live in such a way that I don't often have regret, and rarer still, do I allow myself to act in a way that will cause it for others.

I was born in the wrong time, I'm a child of the wrong era

I walked through the quarter today and listened to Strange Fruit. I closed my eyes and imagined dancing slowly with you, my cheek pressed against yours, your hand in mine. I turn my lips to kiss your face, slide them slowly down to your neck, kiss the tender little spot between your jaw and your ear, before coming to rest for a moment on your shoulder. My arm around your waist, my hand in the small of your back, I feel your skin on my lips, smell your hair.

The Way You Look Tonight comes on as I stop at a corner, waiting to cross and I almost forget where I'm going, because "i'm thinking of you..."

circles

I traveled out of town for a few days, visiting a friend on the east coast. I saw snow on the ground for the first time in four years and I'd be lying if I said it didn't excite me a little.

I had a good visit with Monica (she really is such a doll). We went to museums, ate at great restaurants, wandered, talked, laughed. I find that I fall into things naturally with her, easily picking up from the moment where we last left off and that's something that I appreciate greatly in friends.

I met with Mandalay who's company I always enjoy. We talked about the prospect of moving (she back here, me; well...), dating, family over dinner at Circa and then went our separate ways with assurances that we would see one another when she comes home for the holidays.

I got home last night, had a friend pick me up at the airport. We grabbed a bite to eat on the way home and I was back to work nearly the moment I walked in the door. I went out to 80's night and had a good time, as always, but I was too tired from a long day of travel to make a night of it, so I said goodnight, went home early and I slept.

This morning brought an excited text message from Margaret inquiring about food, so she, Leah and I met at Stanley to have breakfast, talk about the weekend, laugh about the night before. We talked about the difference in thoughtfulness between summer clothes and cold weather fashion, before bundling up to go out into what passes for cold in New Orleans. A hug from each and we went our separate ways. While I walked, I thought about how my life was better for having each of them in it, their different, opposite, balancing approaches to everything making perfect sense, complimenting each other, making the reasons for their friendship obvious. They are my ideal company for breakfast on a cold day, or for any other time for that matter.

Baby it's cold outside

"I really can't stay - (Baby it's cold outside)....I've got to go away (Baby it's cold outside)"

I'm on my way to visit friends and I've got a million things on my mind. Where i'm going, how I've spent the last few days, and you. Yes, you.

Every night I've had the best intentions of staying in, having a quiet night, taking it easy, but my good intentions were laid to waste by the allure of tempting offers made by my friends. Dancing, playing with Noisician Coalition, late night food at greasy spoons; all of these things lured me away from the comfort of my own bed, kept me out late and made me happy that I went out, stayed out, went to bed at sunrise.

Saturday night was a good night. Scratch that; it was a great night. I went out with L & M as well as two of their friends and we danced ridiculously, drank like it was our last chance and had the sort of fun that had people we didnt know wanting to join in all night. We laughed until our faces hurt, danced until our feet were sore and then went to get late night food well after I'd planned on being in bed, being asleep, and of course, I wasn't sorry.

Sunday saw me waking with friends in my typically empty house. We laughed and joked, relived the night before. I went out to dinner for another friends birthday and then to a burlesque show. It was much more low-key than the days leading up to it, but wonderful none-the-less.

Sitting on the plane now, I'm listening to christmas music through my headphones, thinking about the weekend I've had and the next few days coming up. I feel that despite all the trials and tribulations that I've had this year, all the ups and downs, I've led a charmed life.

I've been listening to "Something in her shows" from New Orleans Bingo Show sort of incessantly.
"Cinnamon, I remember when...you were the only thing that got me through the weekend..."

I was also just turned on to this video featuring them :