(mis)connection

It's been a strange day. I woke after a short sleep and a long night out with friends. I connected with some people that I hadn't expected to and misfired with others that I thought i'd connect with more easily.

That word, connect, keeps coming up in email, text, conversations. It's not one that I would choose and yet other people keep presenting it to me in different circumstances that make me accept it.

I went for a long walk today, taking photographs along the way, having my own little adventure, photo safari as I made my way uptown, getting off the streetcar at Napoleon and then wandering back down Prytania. I walked through the garden district, up Saint Charles and thought about a couple of small revelations I'd made in the last few days about who I was connected with and why. I rode the streetcar home after i'd walked far enough and made my way up Bourbon on the way to my apartment. I made my way up the stairs, dropped the camera on my desk, my jacket on the chair and then I made myself something light to eat and began editing the photographs.

The late night and long walk got the better of me and I did something unusual; I laid down for a nap. I got a text message or two while I dozed and it came up again (the word connection) and it occurred to me that the reason that I wouldn't typically chose to use that expression is because people often use it to describe something they want to be there but isn't and so it's left a bad taste in my mouth. It's not always the case, but it has been often enough that I have a slight distaste for the word, because there are so many better ways to articulate that you identify, sympathize, relate.

This year has been a challenging one for me, bringing about many changes in life that could have easily left me sad or bitter, but instead have given me plenty to be thankful for. I've had hardships, trials and tribulations, but it's all brought happiness into my life along the way.

I'm thankful for my family, who've been kind, loving and supportive, who've listened when I needed them too, which was more often this year than I've ever called on them in the past. I'm thankful that they've grown as people, that we've grown as a family and that I have amazing people to call mother, sister, father.

I'm thankful for the old friends in my life. The ones that have made it a point to tell me that they cared, when I needed to hear it. The ones that I've known for ages, who believe in me, who've been there when I was blue. I'm thankful that they've shared their lives with, allowed me to see into their brightest and darkest moments and made me closer to them for it.

I'm thankful for all the new friends that I have in my life as well. The friends that baked me cupcakes on my birthday, that made me scavenger hunts and wouldn't allow me to sink into the sadness that hovered near. I'm thankful for the way that they distracted me when it was called for, supported me when I needed it and let me do what I needed, including make a few mistakes, so that I could continue to grow. I'm thankful that I've gotten to step into new lives, to be a part of them, to live differently, more broadly, richly because of these wonderful new people.

I'm also thankful for those that I may not share as large a part of my life with anymore, but who've forever left their mark. I'm thankful for the time we had together, no matter if it ended like we'd hoped or not. I'm thankful because my life is different, better, for having had them pass through, linger, stay for little while or a long while.

I'm thankful for every smile, every sigh, every tear, prayer, excuse, up and down that I had this year, because it's all lead me to now, because it's all a part of my colorful adventure, it's who I am and so I'm thankful for it, for this, for my life.

it's the first time, the last time

We had a conversation and I think it went well. We decided not to date anymore, which is sort of interesting since we never really started. We had a conversation about breaking up, despite the fact that we weren't ever actually together. We were rational, sweet to one another and everything that you could hope from a person when you imagine breaking up, except we weren't technically dating to begin with...not really...

We spent time together and agreed early on not to get too involved, which lead to spending more time together and another conversation about how our situations weren't right for one another. Then we had yet another conversation based around the possibility that I was going to move and I got the sweetest note anyone's ever written to me:

“… even though you haven’t made a decision, I think we both know the facts and that on paper, the smart thing to do is not what your heart thinks is good for you. And even if you leave, I’ll still love you. And when you come back, I’ll welcome you. And we’ll go to Flanagan’s. And to Buffa’s. And to Yo’ Mama’s. Just like we always did. We’ll make stupid jokes and I’ll sneak glitter into your suitcase. I’ll fall asleep in your lap… the next time you come back we’ll do it all over again.

You know, just in case you were wondering what would happen if you left. “

It's a lot of work staying together when you aren't together. It's also challenging to break up with someone that you aren't dating. We knew better to begin with, but we did anyway (I'm not sorry for it), so we say goodbye and tell each other we can only just be friends. We meet each other for coffee and look each other in the eyes, speak calmly about the fact that it's over even though it never started and then she follows me home and we lay on the couch talking until she has to leave for work. We promise to be friends and then we kiss each other on the lips (but chastely) before she climbs into her car and drives away.

So it's over before it began, but it sure was good while it wasn't.

I want to live here

Someday I'll own one of the buildings that lines Pirate's Alley. I'll be able to look out and see the flowers in the garden behind St. Louis Cathedral and I'll be able to smell the Night Blooming Jasmine every time I open my window.

Nutcracker Suite

There is a store that’s dedicated year around to all things Christmas, that somehow makes me feel like it’s all right to begin celebrating a little early. They have an impressive collection of nutcrackers, music boxes, baubles and ornaments and while on my photo safari yesterday I snapped this picture.

I live on the corner of two old streets in the French Quarter and have a balcony that wraps all the way around. My neighbors have already strung lights, meticulously arranged displays and have spent hours making it look just so. I feel like I wouldn’t be appreciating their work properly, so this weekend I’m going to see what can be done about it.

Who wants to come and help me decorate?

the library I'll own some day

I want a library one day that climbs from the floor, all the way up to the ceiling. I want there to be so many books that trying to get to them all will be impossible. I want shelves that are lined with books that I'm excited to read, authors I've always meant to get around to reading and books that people suggest to me that I would never have thought to read. I want to be able to walk up to those shelves and pick at random what I'll read next and smile when I look at the cover.

a brilliant night

The note that the day started on should have been a good indication of where it would lead., but things kept popping up that made me optimistic that it might get better at any moment.

By evening I'd exchanged a dozen or so messages with my ex wife, but for a change, it was going well. We were being kind to one another and despite the fact that doesn't always last, I was optimistic that maybe this time it would.

I left the house in the evening to meet Johnny Law for a drink. I was on my way to One Eyed Jacks, when I looked up and saw Scarlett sitting in the window of Boondock Saint, with her new boyfriend. I heard she'd come back to town to visit and had brought him with her, but we hadn't crossed paths. She was already looking at me when I realized she was there and when our eyes met, she blushed and looked away for a moment. I smiled and waved at her and she met my eyes with a smile and a wave in return.

Scarlett was the first girl that I'd dated after Sara and she and I had parted paths in a completely unsatisfying way. There was a time when I wished we would cross paths again, even if only for a moment, but that time has long since passed and when I finally did see her, I kept walking with nothing more than a smile and a wave (and that was enough).

I went into One Eyed Jacks and had a glass of Redbreast with Johnny Law, while we both talked about exes, about life, about plans for Thanksgiving dinner. We talked about what we both needed to do to improve our lives and weather we were moving toward that or holding a circling pattern instead. We left and headed over to Flanagans, continuing the conversation about life, love and the pursuit of happiness while we took our time moving along Royal Street. John pointed out where he lived, where his ex had lived and the places they'd had good times, bad time, crazy times along the way.

We sat in Flanagans talking for a few hours, while I waited to hear from Charlotte Sometimes. She and I had been spending a lot of time together, but were both reluctant to say "dating" or "seeing each other" because of the complications of her situation as well as mine. We'd had discussions that suggested we should end the situation before we got more involved with one another, but each of those conversations, despite what we'd agreed on, had brought us closer together.

I'd wanted to call it an early night, but I'd stayed out because there was a good chance I'd see her. When she texted me asking to me to meet her at another bar, i paid my tab and headed over there (John had already left). I arrived to find her sitting with her ex boyfriend, who she'd just had a public argument with a few days before that had left her embarrassed and she and i in an awkward situation. Seeing the two of them together made me immediately apprehensive, but I was determined to not let it get too ugly or awkward.

Friends of mine had walked with me from Flanagans down to lower Decatur street and they'd been at the bar next door. They'd been plotting to come and extricate me from the situation and when L and her ex boyfriend stepped outside to have a chat, they came in and told me I should leave with them then, not say goodbye, walk away from the situation before it got any uglier for me. I was very close, but I'm not the sort to just vanish (I sometimes wish I were). They left without me, looks of disappointment on their faces.

I went back inside and asked Charlotte what she thought she should do and she couldn't give me an immediate answer. Her ex left, but that was his choice more than hers. Things being that unclear for her made them immediately clearer to me, so i told her she should go home. We talked for a little while and I told her we could continue the conversation later, but that I needed some time because I wasn't happy with the turn things were taking. She got in her car and headed home and I got in a cab to head into the Marigny, but ended up having them drop me off a few blocks away because everyone had changed locations.

I went inside the R bar after talking my friends into one more round with me. We went inside and I was lectured a little more not to tread lightly with affairs of the heart, things like that. I heard from Charlotte who said she was almost home. She was supposed to call me when she got there and the fact that she hung up on me when I told her to call me back when she made it home safely made my friends advice sound more and more reasonable. I texted her and got so answer. I called her back twice and she didn't pick up. She sent me a message this morning saying that she'd gone home and fallen asleep, but I couldn't imagine a circumstance where I would have thought it was ok to behave that way if I really wanted to continue the conversation we'd been having about where we would go from here. She wasn't so intoxicated that she was having trouble driving, talking, walking, but apparently she'd had enough to forget that we were walking a line.

I laid in bed and thought to myself. I'd had feelings for Scarlett once and passed her in the night with a nod and a smile. Sara and I had been sending each other messages which had stopped abruptly earlier in the day, but then she sent me three at the end of the night, just as I closed my eyes. Charlotte didn't answer my calls after things didn't go her way. This trinity of (potential) heartbreakers were on my mind and I wanted to forget about all of them for long enough to fall asleep.

I opened my eyes and looked at my phone and the last message I had received was from a friend that said "just want you to be happy. Come to mimis", and that was enough. I closed them again and drifted off to sleep.

Catching up

I fell asleep last night at a reasonable hour for a change. By fall asleep, I of course mean lapsed into a coma after a sleepless week caught up to me.

I laid down last night while it was still early enough that they hadn't even turned the music up downstairs to full volume yet. I drifted in and out of sleep as it got louder, but after the week I'd had, it couldn't keep me from sleep, even if it was fitful. I woke every few hours and answered messages that were pilling up on my phone during the hours that people typically know me to be most available. I slid right back into sleep after consuming an entire bottle of water in three ravenous gulps. I woke later and polished another bottle, as though I were sweating out the week in my sleep and I need the water for what's to come.

I woke early this morning and it was drizzling. The sun had just started to rise and it was one of those rare hours of the day where it was quiet, the trucks not having yet begun rolling down the street, the people having gone home and not started to come back just yet. I listened to the rain, just the rain, as I laid in bed and tried not to think of anything, except wether I wanted bananas foster french toast or blueberry pancakes.

will you still?

We sat at the bar after the burlesque show, all of us lined up and then wrapping around the corner. We made suggestive comments and did shots as we waited for the sort of greasy food that you use to celebrate the end of something. We laughed and joked, drank and were happy. When we finished eating and got up to leave, I thought to myself "i'm going to miss this" and I stopped to consider what that meant.

I'd been struggling with the idea of if I should stay or if I should go and had considered myself on the fence in regard to the matter. Earlier in the evening I'd been to a birthday party and the birthday girl was reveling in the fact that she and I were in New Orleans again (we'd both left and come back) and the points she was making made me want to stay. She told me 'this is the place that loves you, even if you go and then come back; they love you here, they welcome you back'. She was speaking of both of us and she didn't have any idea that I was considering moving away. She told me that what she loved about New Orleans was the fact that any time, any place, there would be someone here wanting you to be with them and missing you if you weren't. She'd thought no one would show up for her birthday when the day had gotten late and guests hadn't really started arriving. As the evening wore on, more people than she'd expected showed for the celebration, to wish her well, to love her.

Eating at the bar after the show with all of the people that I've gotten to know, become close to recently I had the sort of moment you want to stretch past the night, into the next day and carry pieces of it with you everywhere you go. You laugh and at the end of the night your cheeks are sore from all the smiling, but that makes you happy too.

But that's sometimes the way life is, isn't it? It waits until you have a moment of happiness to let you come to a decision that is going to be difficult. It wraps a hard choice in a pretty moment so that it'll be easier to swallow. That's what last night felt like; like I'd enjoyed New Orleans so much that I didn't really have a right to object to the fact that I just might have to go, say goodbye and hope that the birthday girl was right; that it would love me still, when I return.

Just go (stay)

I sat talking to my mom on the phone listening to her tell me about her woes, which are similar to my own and I felt the ebbing toward a choice in my life that I had been resisting. I held the phone to my ear and realized that the idea of a move back out west was no longer one that was met with my own outright refusal, but rather with the quiet acceptance that it might not just be a possibility, but was becoming probable. She told me what her situation was and there, on the phone, i realized that I was considering it and told her as much. She wasn't entirely happy with the idea, but she understands that sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done.

It complicates things for me here though. I've made friends, grown close to people that I want in my life. People that I know will be, no matter if I stay or if I go, but the part they'll play will be instantly different based on the decision that I make, the future I rule out or embrace.

I have a lot to consider, when I lay my head down at night. I have a week to come to a final decision, start putting one foot in front of the other to start the march forward. I think I already know where I'm going, what comes next and I've started spreading the word that it's what I'm considering, but of course; as soon as I make mention of it, the world gives me more incentive to stay, makes it more difficult for me to go.

Be still

I'm laying in bed, with the french doors open, a cool wind blowing in. The curtains are drawn back, letting the sun shine on my face as I catch pieces of conversations from the unseen people walking below. The fabric of the flags lining the balconies on both sides of the street pops and snaps as the wind has it's say in how they hang, move, fly. The plastic beads that are tangled in the wrought iron from past celebrations dance one bauble at a time in rapid succession across the surface of the railing before being lifted up as though the wind were telling them to hush, for a moment. Cars pass, dogs bark and I lay here, thinking of the present and of the future.

Wind

They say that Ida is going to make things wet and windy tonight. The storm will hit east of here, but it'll bring some wind and rain with it.

It makes me think of 2002, when S and I had just moved down here. There were two tropical storms, a week apart from one another. The first opened a hole in the ceiling right near or bed and we decided to move before the second one, which turned out to be DURING the second one.

The movers took the big things for us, but we waded through the water and took the boxes of small things ourselves. S was wearing combat boots, laced high and I warned her about the potential of "swamp foot", which she laughed off, thinking I was making it up (her feet were pins and needles the next day). We got the last of the things moved just about the time the city got the pumps working and suddenly the knee level water we'd waded through was back down beneath the curb, where it belonged.

We stood in the window of our new place and watched the people outside. A man wearing a wetsuit with fins, carrying a drink in his hand, passed beneath our window before disappearing into a bar. We laughed and hugged in the window before changing into dry clothing and heading out to eat.

We sat down inside of Clover Grill, two of the only people in the restaurant that weren't working there. We watched CNN, listened to the cook and the waiter complain and it all seemed surreal and humorous somehow. We are hamburgers and watched the rain run down the big windows. We sat on the same side of the table and looked down the street toward our new apartment.

We went in that night and listened to the rain on the windows while we fished out parts to make the television work so we could watch the weather repots that would tell us if we should go, leave, see. We huddled alone together and it seemed, really, like there were just the two of us and then everything else. We went to sleep that night thinking we could wake to howling winds or apocalyptic scenery, but it didn't worry us for some reason; we weren't afraid (we were naively excited, perhaps).

That's the feeling that I look for today, how I'll know when I'm with the right person; everything will seem like it's going to be alright. Not just at moments when it might not be, but more often than not. I know that life isn't all peaches and cream, but when you've hit a dark patch and you can look at the person you are with and feel like everything is going to be all right because you are together, well... that's what we all hope for, right?

Dreams

I've been having a lot of seemingly prophetic and slightly disturbing dreams lately. I had another one last night:

I dreamed you decided to marry someone, not because you loved them, but because you were lonely. I was at your wedding because you'd invited me, but you wouldn't speak to me. You and your wedding party were taking pictures in my car, with the top down, and you looked so sad, but no one would let me near....

I've dreamt of people from the past persecuting me my current lifestyle, career and the choices I've made, while people from the present came to my defense, to my aid. I dreamed about living in a place where I didn't speak the language and I was smiling because I didn't have to answer any ones questions.

I don't know what argument my sleeping self is having with my waking mind, but they clash when I close my eyes and these dreams are the result of it all. I don't put a lot of stock into any one dream, but the fact that the last few nights have brought vivid thoughts about conflict in my life has to mean something.

Each of those dreams had me dodging the trouble at the end, solving it in a way that wasn't completely obvious or direct. They typically end with me adapting, dealing, changing the things that I'm able to and accepting the things that I can't. These dreams don't make me feel helpless, hopeless; they make me feel like I'm good at dealing with things, even if they don't turn out the way I might have hoped.

..I waited for you and you finally came to me. I knew if I spoke to you, you'd leave, so I kissed you on the cheek, wishing you the best silently, and I squeezed your hand to let you know that I'd be there for you...

what I've learned

It's been a long week. A very long week. It's come at the end of three consecutive weeks, all very similar in their hectic nature, but different in what they accomplished and what I learned from them

I had a staph infection in my leg (a spider bite that got irritated from all the standing/marching/walking/rubbing of tight fabric against it), which caused it to throb regularly during the most crucial moments, of course. It's almost completely gone now, but I can see the toxicity in my face in the photos from Carnal Carnivale, and I remember thinking very feverishly that i was determined to not let it get me down, but promising to pace myself, go home early when i could, rest (i didn't).

I've had a chance to get reacquainted with some old friends this week; ones that I'd lost track of and missed dearly over the last few years, who've come back into my life in a very short span of time. In the matter of a few days I picked up nearly where I left off with friends that I'd thought were lost to me due to changes in lifestyle, geography and circumstance. I'm happy to have found them again (to have found you all again). I realized that some people were keeping better tabs on me than I might of imagined and it made me feel cared for, loved, in a way that only old friends can make you feel.

I've also found that some impossible situations aren't as impossible as they might seem, some things that seemed probable have proven unlikely and that missing someone isn't the same as wanting them back in your life. I've seen doors close, others open and found that some things that I thought I wanted, I really don't, while other things that I never considered have presented themselves to me and made me appreciate fresh perspective. It's been a week/month/year for learning what I want, what I accept and what I won't.

I met with her last night for a drink and as I passed behind her, I hugged her, maybe just a little too much; like I was saying hello in a different way for the first time, or maybe some other way for the last. "Everything ok?", she asked and when i told her it was, she seemed slightly confused and laughed just a little. While we sat there, talking, having a drink, I reached out and touched her hair lightly; I'm a physically affectionate person but felt like i'd never really shown that to her.

We parted ways with a discussion of our where each of our weeks would take us and I hugged her, gave her a little kiss on the neck before she got in her car and drove away. I walked home, stopping to say hello and goodnight to Jenny Kay before going home to finish some work and then finally crawl into bed.

I have another model coming into town today to work with me. It's the last thing that I've got slated in a very busy week before I can spend some time on myself, relax a little, have some fun that doesn't lead on any parade, to any place really, except where I want it to. I plan on being lazy all day on Saturday and then in the evening going uptown to have dinner with my friend "Johnny Law" at Delachaise. All these things that I'll do that day will be for me, to make up for the celebrating i didn't do during the past week's celebrations; it's time that I started doing more of that.

Close

We've been getting along well, spending more time together than I'd imagined we would. We've gotten closer, more quickly than I might have thought would be the case. Maybe it was timing, maybe it was need but whatever the spark was, it was there for us both, it seemed.

I knew all along the impossibilities of our situations (I think we both did). It took a sobering moment to bring us back to who we are and what that means to each of our respective situations.

We sat over coffee, looking away as often as we looked at each other. We were quiet, kind to each other as we always are. We asked about the other persons past, explained our own and hugged goodbye, parting under the notion we'd think about were we could even go from here and come back to the conversation a few days later.

We've had some wonderful moments together and really appreciate each others company, but I think we both know that the most we can be hopeful for is friendship. In this case that isn't the consolation prize it might be otherwise. To count her among my friends would make me fortunate and I wouldn't dare under-appreciate that. I adore her and who knows, maybe the closeness that we have will make us the amazing friends to one another that it would seem we both need in our lives, the pressure of expectation being lifted allowing us to just be.

As she said it herself:
"... engulf ourselves in each other's warmth when/if it's needed. There's comfort in knowing that there will be someone to have a drink with, someone to watch as they eat, someone to hold hands or hug you when you need it, someone to watch a movie with....for the time being anyways."

I'll always be you your friend and am happy to have you in my life, no matter how.

Still though; I can't help but sigh a little.....

This is not Halloween

Yesterday would have been our seventh anniversary, but instead is the first after the divorce. When we got married we had a costume ball wedding here in New Orleans on Halloween and it was really all that you could have hoped for. This year, I haven't really put together a costume. I have an outfit I wore for fetish night and a variation I wear for Noisician Coalition, but I didn't have a Halloween costume, makeup, anything to mark the occasion. They were face painting people as zombies at Voodoo fest to try and break a record, but I didn't sign up, because I just wasn't feeling it.

I was appreciative of other peoples costumes and efforts, but i didn't feel like I was really a part of that. I felt detached from Halloween, like a spectator that had stumbled upon it rather than really belonging to it.

Later in the evening I spent some time with a friend and felt a moment of connectedness, but later had to confess to myself that it may have just been me feeling the need for it, rather than it being true. I left the festival, went home and cleaned up and headed out for the night. I texted my friend asking if they would like to meet me, but she had other plans and they included people that might be awkward for her to be around both of us at the same time. I told her not to worry, that I'd find another way to occupy myself and she thanked me for being a good friend.

I ran into Ella waiting for a drink at the bar that I'd been feeling I needed to make it a point to go to, to support, because they are some of my favorite people. She was dressed in the same costume S wore the last year we celebrated together and it made me a little sad to see, but I made sure not to let that show. We had a drink with Jessica before she said goodbye (she's headed home today) and then wandered up and down Decatur stopping so she could take pictures of costumes and admire them. We met up with her friends, lost them, met them again and then they were gone. I'd like to think that we were good company for one another, both of us appreciating the holiday, but not really having anyone to share that appreciation with, so to speak. I know that I was was happy for the company. Eventually I walked her back to Flanagans where I left her to wait for friends and I went home.

The weather was nice; I was thankful for the long red coat because it was just chilly enough to need it. I looked down at my mud covered boots, the product of a day of marching in wet grass and wasn't worried about getting them cleaned knowing there was another day of mud stomping ahead. I thought of the friend that I'd spent the day with and as I looked up from my muddy boots, I saw her ahead of me. We passed one another without saying a word, because she was with the awkward situation we'd been hoping to avoid when I decided not to go to the show she'd been at and they were holding hands.

I got home and laid in bed, thinking about Halloween, how it used to mean so much to me. I thought about the day I got married and how Halloween was such the perfect choice for it. I thought of all the happy Halloweens that I'd found a costume, even if it was last minute and marked that this was the first time in my life I didn't dress up and really celebrate. I missed the past, thinking my former self incapable of having not celebrated Halloween properly and how I wouldn't have stood for it. I thought somethings changed and I hope that it wont stay this way forever.

I closed my eyes and decided that next year I'm taking back Halloween. This year I let it happen to me, but next year I'm taking it back, it'll be mine again.