Baby it's cold outside

"I really can't stay - (Baby it's cold outside)....I've got to go away (Baby it's cold outside)"

I'm on my way to visit friends and I've got a million things on my mind. Where i'm going, how I've spent the last few days, and you. Yes, you.

Every night I've had the best intentions of staying in, having a quiet night, taking it easy, but my good intentions were laid to waste by the allure of tempting offers made by my friends. Dancing, playing with Noisician Coalition, late night food at greasy spoons; all of these things lured me away from the comfort of my own bed, kept me out late and made me happy that I went out, stayed out, went to bed at sunrise.

Saturday night was a good night. Scratch that; it was a great night. I went out with L & M as well as two of their friends and we danced ridiculously, drank like it was our last chance and had the sort of fun that had people we didnt know wanting to join in all night. We laughed until our faces hurt, danced until our feet were sore and then went to get late night food well after I'd planned on being in bed, being asleep, and of course, I wasn't sorry.

Sunday saw me waking with friends in my typically empty house. We laughed and joked, relived the night before. I went out to dinner for another friends birthday and then to a burlesque show. It was much more low-key than the days leading up to it, but wonderful none-the-less.

Sitting on the plane now, I'm listening to christmas music through my headphones, thinking about the weekend I've had and the next few days coming up. I feel that despite all the trials and tribulations that I've had this year, all the ups and downs, I've led a charmed life.

I've been listening to "Something in her shows" from New Orleans Bingo Show sort of incessantly.
"Cinnamon, I remember when...you were the only thing that got me through the weekend..."

I was also just turned on to this video featuring them :

(mis)connection

It's been a strange day. I woke after a short sleep and a long night out with friends. I connected with some people that I hadn't expected to and misfired with others that I thought i'd connect with more easily.

That word, connect, keeps coming up in email, text, conversations. It's not one that I would choose and yet other people keep presenting it to me in different circumstances that make me accept it.

I went for a long walk today, taking photographs along the way, having my own little adventure, photo safari as I made my way uptown, getting off the streetcar at Napoleon and then wandering back down Prytania. I walked through the garden district, up Saint Charles and thought about a couple of small revelations I'd made in the last few days about who I was connected with and why. I rode the streetcar home after i'd walked far enough and made my way up Bourbon on the way to my apartment. I made my way up the stairs, dropped the camera on my desk, my jacket on the chair and then I made myself something light to eat and began editing the photographs.

The late night and long walk got the better of me and I did something unusual; I laid down for a nap. I got a text message or two while I dozed and it came up again (the word connection) and it occurred to me that the reason that I wouldn't typically chose to use that expression is because people often use it to describe something they want to be there but isn't and so it's left a bad taste in my mouth. It's not always the case, but it has been often enough that I have a slight distaste for the word, because there are so many better ways to articulate that you identify, sympathize, relate.

This year has been a challenging one for me, bringing about many changes in life that could have easily left me sad or bitter, but instead have given me plenty to be thankful for. I've had hardships, trials and tribulations, but it's all brought happiness into my life along the way.

I'm thankful for my family, who've been kind, loving and supportive, who've listened when I needed them too, which was more often this year than I've ever called on them in the past. I'm thankful that they've grown as people, that we've grown as a family and that I have amazing people to call mother, sister, father.

I'm thankful for the old friends in my life. The ones that have made it a point to tell me that they cared, when I needed to hear it. The ones that I've known for ages, who believe in me, who've been there when I was blue. I'm thankful that they've shared their lives with, allowed me to see into their brightest and darkest moments and made me closer to them for it.

I'm thankful for all the new friends that I have in my life as well. The friends that baked me cupcakes on my birthday, that made me scavenger hunts and wouldn't allow me to sink into the sadness that hovered near. I'm thankful for the way that they distracted me when it was called for, supported me when I needed it and let me do what I needed, including make a few mistakes, so that I could continue to grow. I'm thankful that I've gotten to step into new lives, to be a part of them, to live differently, more broadly, richly because of these wonderful new people.

I'm also thankful for those that I may not share as large a part of my life with anymore, but who've forever left their mark. I'm thankful for the time we had together, no matter if it ended like we'd hoped or not. I'm thankful because my life is different, better, for having had them pass through, linger, stay for little while or a long while.

I'm thankful for every smile, every sigh, every tear, prayer, excuse, up and down that I had this year, because it's all lead me to now, because it's all a part of my colorful adventure, it's who I am and so I'm thankful for it, for this, for my life.

it's the first time, the last time

We had a conversation and I think it went well. We decided not to date anymore, which is sort of interesting since we never really started. We had a conversation about breaking up, despite the fact that we weren't ever actually together. We were rational, sweet to one another and everything that you could hope from a person when you imagine breaking up, except we weren't technically dating to begin with...not really...

We spent time together and agreed early on not to get too involved, which lead to spending more time together and another conversation about how our situations weren't right for one another. Then we had yet another conversation based around the possibility that I was going to move and I got the sweetest note anyone's ever written to me:

“… even though you haven’t made a decision, I think we both know the facts and that on paper, the smart thing to do is not what your heart thinks is good for you. And even if you leave, I’ll still love you. And when you come back, I’ll welcome you. And we’ll go to Flanagan’s. And to Buffa’s. And to Yo’ Mama’s. Just like we always did. We’ll make stupid jokes and I’ll sneak glitter into your suitcase. I’ll fall asleep in your lap… the next time you come back we’ll do it all over again.

You know, just in case you were wondering what would happen if you left. “

It's a lot of work staying together when you aren't together. It's also challenging to break up with someone that you aren't dating. We knew better to begin with, but we did anyway (I'm not sorry for it), so we say goodbye and tell each other we can only just be friends. We meet each other for coffee and look each other in the eyes, speak calmly about the fact that it's over even though it never started and then she follows me home and we lay on the couch talking until she has to leave for work. We promise to be friends and then we kiss each other on the lips (but chastely) before she climbs into her car and drives away.

So it's over before it began, but it sure was good while it wasn't.

I want to live here

Someday I'll own one of the buildings that lines Pirate's Alley. I'll be able to look out and see the flowers in the garden behind St. Louis Cathedral and I'll be able to smell the Night Blooming Jasmine every time I open my window.

Nutcracker Suite

There is a store that’s dedicated year around to all things Christmas, that somehow makes me feel like it’s all right to begin celebrating a little early. They have an impressive collection of nutcrackers, music boxes, baubles and ornaments and while on my photo safari yesterday I snapped this picture.

I live on the corner of two old streets in the French Quarter and have a balcony that wraps all the way around. My neighbors have already strung lights, meticulously arranged displays and have spent hours making it look just so. I feel like I wouldn’t be appreciating their work properly, so this weekend I’m going to see what can be done about it.

Who wants to come and help me decorate?

the library I'll own some day

I want a library one day that climbs from the floor, all the way up to the ceiling. I want there to be so many books that trying to get to them all will be impossible. I want shelves that are lined with books that I'm excited to read, authors I've always meant to get around to reading and books that people suggest to me that I would never have thought to read. I want to be able to walk up to those shelves and pick at random what I'll read next and smile when I look at the cover.

a brilliant night

The note that the day started on should have been a good indication of where it would lead., but things kept popping up that made me optimistic that it might get better at any moment.

By evening I'd exchanged a dozen or so messages with my ex wife, but for a change, it was going well. We were being kind to one another and despite the fact that doesn't always last, I was optimistic that maybe this time it would.

I left the house in the evening to meet Johnny Law for a drink. I was on my way to One Eyed Jacks, when I looked up and saw Scarlett sitting in the window of Boondock Saint, with her new boyfriend. I heard she'd come back to town to visit and had brought him with her, but we hadn't crossed paths. She was already looking at me when I realized she was there and when our eyes met, she blushed and looked away for a moment. I smiled and waved at her and she met my eyes with a smile and a wave in return.

Scarlett was the first girl that I'd dated after Sara and she and I had parted paths in a completely unsatisfying way. There was a time when I wished we would cross paths again, even if only for a moment, but that time has long since passed and when I finally did see her, I kept walking with nothing more than a smile and a wave (and that was enough).

I went into One Eyed Jacks and had a glass of Redbreast with Johnny Law, while we both talked about exes, about life, about plans for Thanksgiving dinner. We talked about what we both needed to do to improve our lives and weather we were moving toward that or holding a circling pattern instead. We left and headed over to Flanagans, continuing the conversation about life, love and the pursuit of happiness while we took our time moving along Royal Street. John pointed out where he lived, where his ex had lived and the places they'd had good times, bad time, crazy times along the way.

We sat in Flanagans talking for a few hours, while I waited to hear from Charlotte Sometimes. She and I had been spending a lot of time together, but were both reluctant to say "dating" or "seeing each other" because of the complications of her situation as well as mine. We'd had discussions that suggested we should end the situation before we got more involved with one another, but each of those conversations, despite what we'd agreed on, had brought us closer together.

I'd wanted to call it an early night, but I'd stayed out because there was a good chance I'd see her. When she texted me asking to me to meet her at another bar, i paid my tab and headed over there (John had already left). I arrived to find her sitting with her ex boyfriend, who she'd just had a public argument with a few days before that had left her embarrassed and she and i in an awkward situation. Seeing the two of them together made me immediately apprehensive, but I was determined to not let it get too ugly or awkward.

Friends of mine had walked with me from Flanagans down to lower Decatur street and they'd been at the bar next door. They'd been plotting to come and extricate me from the situation and when L and her ex boyfriend stepped outside to have a chat, they came in and told me I should leave with them then, not say goodbye, walk away from the situation before it got any uglier for me. I was very close, but I'm not the sort to just vanish (I sometimes wish I were). They left without me, looks of disappointment on their faces.

I went back inside and asked Charlotte what she thought she should do and she couldn't give me an immediate answer. Her ex left, but that was his choice more than hers. Things being that unclear for her made them immediately clearer to me, so i told her she should go home. We talked for a little while and I told her we could continue the conversation later, but that I needed some time because I wasn't happy with the turn things were taking. She got in her car and headed home and I got in a cab to head into the Marigny, but ended up having them drop me off a few blocks away because everyone had changed locations.

I went inside the R bar after talking my friends into one more round with me. We went inside and I was lectured a little more not to tread lightly with affairs of the heart, things like that. I heard from Charlotte who said she was almost home. She was supposed to call me when she got there and the fact that she hung up on me when I told her to call me back when she made it home safely made my friends advice sound more and more reasonable. I texted her and got so answer. I called her back twice and she didn't pick up. She sent me a message this morning saying that she'd gone home and fallen asleep, but I couldn't imagine a circumstance where I would have thought it was ok to behave that way if I really wanted to continue the conversation we'd been having about where we would go from here. She wasn't so intoxicated that she was having trouble driving, talking, walking, but apparently she'd had enough to forget that we were walking a line.

I laid in bed and thought to myself. I'd had feelings for Scarlett once and passed her in the night with a nod and a smile. Sara and I had been sending each other messages which had stopped abruptly earlier in the day, but then she sent me three at the end of the night, just as I closed my eyes. Charlotte didn't answer my calls after things didn't go her way. This trinity of (potential) heartbreakers were on my mind and I wanted to forget about all of them for long enough to fall asleep.

I opened my eyes and looked at my phone and the last message I had received was from a friend that said "just want you to be happy. Come to mimis", and that was enough. I closed them again and drifted off to sleep.