circling purgatory

I went to sleep at a reasonable hour last night. I dreamt of the present, conversations I'd had during the last few days, point's I'd have liked to have made. I thought of messages I'd sent to people (I checked my phone and I really hadn't). I slept though, which is a vast improvement.

It's been two day's since the last time we spoke; something of a record for us lately. I'm happier this way. I miss her of course, but the constant wondering what her motive was, why she's sweet one moment and then evil the next; it's too much. I left her, for good reason mind you, and started talking to me when she swore she changed. She hadn't changed though (If she was, it was subtle and for the worse). I have a strong feeling that her biggest motivation is to get me to take her back so she can reject me and feel better about herself. I'm half tempted to let her believe all of it, just so we can maybe move past this one day. I'd rather throw myself under the bus and get it over with then be dragged behind it for miles.

I suggested we not speak for a week after the way she treated me during our last conversation. She said I was a distraction and so I told her I wouldn't bother texting or calling her any more. I told her we should wait a week before we spoke again, and that was the last that either of us said. I have an ominous feeling it'll be the last thing we say to each other for a very long time; we'll stubbornly refuse to contact the other person until at last it's necessary and we've both moved on. When we do speak again, maybe hearts won't break in the same way. Perhaps we'll both have learned to stop circling purgatory and then we'll do what we are meant to do; move on.