Looking back at the last weeks worth of posts, they all have the potential of seeming whiny, self-indulgent or obsessive of my past relationship, so I thought it time to put it into proper perspective.
A week ago, we had a blow-up. The sort that comes seemingly out of nowhere. I'd sent flowers the day before, thinking that sweet little gestures might open the door to better conversation, offer a reassurance that I did in fact want to continue to talk to her. It didn't have the effect I'd hope and was received with barely a notice. That wasn't hurtful enough in and of itself, but the attacks that I started getting the next day after another failed moment when we were supposed to talk on the phone; that's what bothered me.
It bothered me because I've come to realize it makes her feel better to have me want her, better yet to reject my want and all of this is justified because I left her. I want to let her pound her fists against me, but I don't know if i have it in me right now. RIght now I just want to be sweet to her and not have her punish me for it. Right now I want us to forgive each other (me for the reasons that I left her, her for my having left), but I don't know that it's possible.
When we had that blow up a week ago, she acted as though she was put off or put upon by my attention (who knows, maybe she's right), so I said "Fine, I won't text or call you anymore, I'll leave it to you. Let's not speak for a week."
That was six days ago, and I wonder if it'll turn out to be the end to more than just that argument.
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