in the distance

Last night was a night of running, searching for certain people around the city that I chouldn't quite track down. I'd arrive at a restaurant or bar just moments after they'd left or be seated having a conversation that I couldn't excuse myself from as they passed outside my window, cutting through the balmy New Orleans night.

I was at dinner with Mona when Ella walked passed. We'd spent the night wandering the city together a few nights before, but I hadn't asked for her number (I should have) as I was sure I'd see her around again. I walked Mona home after we finished our little bit of business and went back to where I might find Ella, but she was gone; she and her roomate had left moments before.

Every place I went I missed the person I was looking for, but found someone else instead. At Flanagans I found Ashley, who I'd been out with a few evenings before. She was entertaining a friend who was in from out of town, but we went to the next stop on my list together, keeping each other company until her friend had to catch a cab back to her hotel and I walked her home.

We stood outside of her gate for a little while she hid tears in the creases of her smile because she'd wanted something recently; really needed it to give her encouragement in this sity and it hadn't come through. I hugged her and told her everything would be alright before she slipped through the gate, stopping to right turned over garbage cans, but never looking back as she disappeared down the long driveway.

I went back to Flanagans, hoping Ella would be there, but she wasn't. Andy, one of the owners was though and I always enjoy conversations with him. I sipped on whiskey for a while before Jenny came in and I decided to call it a night. She asked me to walk her home and I did, listening to what was on her mind as we made our way the few blocks.

I'd circled the city on foot, looking for people that I knew were near, but I wasn't fast enough to find. I found others along the way, some of whom helped my search, others who slowed it. At the end of the night I hadn't found what I was looking for, but I had the feeling that when I did, it would be worth it.

I thought about the moratorium on speaking that S and I had set and as I lay in bed, I drafted a few letters one of which I was sure would be the final answer to that. I felt that at the end of it we wouldnt pick up where we'd left off; things wouldnt be better, they (we) would be further apart than ever. It made me sad to think about, but also realieved to consider having the tension over, the constant sadness past and to be able to slowly, surely, but life back in order. We'll be happier when we can both accept that it might not be possible for us to be friends right now. I'm not to that point just yet, but I see it there, in the distance.